I regret
by Addison Rose
Summary: What happened 5 years after Lily choose William?


SO IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW RufusxHumphrey, lilyvdwbass, DrWvdWoodsen, and Alison_Humphrey YOU PROBABLY WONT UNDERSTAND.

ANYWAYS THIS IS FOR lilyvdwbass FROM RufusxHumphrey and Alison_Humphrey, WE LOVE YOU BEST FRIEND

Lily walked into the church seeing the wedding party. Every one looked so happy, after scanning the group she saw Rufus. He hadn't changed; he looked exactly how she remembered him. She took a step forward to talk to him, but then heard someone yell "Daddy…daddy." She saw Rufus's face light up as the owner of the voice; a little blond four-year old girl ran up and jumped in his arms. Her heart sank. She stepped back to where she was originally was and watched them talk.

"Daddy… I'm nervous"

"Why Princess?" he sat her back on the floor kneeling in front of her.

"Because everyone is going to be watching me… and what if I mess up?" She looked at the ground.

"Honey… you're not going to mess up and if you do I'm sure everyone will think it's cute" He smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

She smiled at him. "Thank you daddy… I love you"

He pulled her into his arms giving her a big hug. "I love you too angel" He pulled back to look at her. "Go find mommy, Blair, Chloe, Serena and Jenny and tell them it's time."

"Ok" She skipped off to the dressing room in back. He laughed watching her.

She stood there a moment in shock watching the exchange. He had another child. She had no idea. Biting her lip she stepped back to the corner of the room behind a large topiary of flowers.

"Serena you look beautiful," Rufus smiled at her as she walked into the room.

"Thank you Rufus," she looked down smiling. "Can I…can I ask you something?"

"Of course, what is it?" he wondered.

"I…don't have anyone to….I mean I was wondering…would you mind walking me down the isle?" She asked looking at him. 'I know that you're going to be my father-in-law and all but-"

"I'd be honored to give you away," he smiled. "You know you've been like a daughter to me these past six years."

She swallowed hard, "You've been the only real father I've ever had. You and Alison have helped me through so much. "

He pulled her into a hug. "Well now I guess we get to make it official."

"I'd like to take a few pictures with you guys before we start. She looked around for the photographer. "Can you get everyone?"

A few of them gathered taking a few pictures before the wedding started. Everyone walked out and then it was Serena's turn. Lily watched with tears in her eyes, he was right she did regret it, regretted abandoning her kids again. They wouldn't talk to her, and she wasn't even invited to Serena's wedding… Alison was, and that killed her. It should be her she thought, her that comforted her, her that helped her get ready. NOT Alison. The wedding march started to play, Rufus took her arm and they started to walk down the isle. She walked to where they were just a few moments before and watched her… she looked beautiful. She sat in the back row so no one could see her.

The wedding was small and intimate, but definitely had Serena's touches to it. As she looked around it seemed as if no one noticed her. Everyone was so wrapped up in what was going on to even care. So much had happened in the last five years and she had no idea that her daughter and Dan even gotten back together, but then again why would she?

She watched as they exchanged vows and a few tears came to Lily's eyes. Watching them together reminded her of Rufus and herself on their wedding day. They were so happy, so content in their lives, until she had to ruin it.

The priest closed his bible after he had pronounced them man and wife. Lily took a tissue out from her purse, dabbing her eyes as they kissed. Serena and Dan were coming back down the isle and just as they were about to pass her Serena looked to her side and they both caught of glimpse of each other.

Lily bit her lip as Serena passed. She was scared she would be angry with her for being there. She turned away from the aisle as everyone else walked down it hoping they wouldn't see her. After everyone left the church she was about to walk out when Rufus walked back in. She stood there not knowing what to do, just starring at him. He just looked at her in shock not expecting to see her.

"Lily… what… what are you doing here?"

"Um… I… um… I didn't want to miss this"

"How…how did you even know?" he wondered. "Did Serena tell you?"

"I read it in the society column," she told him. "William and I are subscribed to the New York Times."

He flinched at the mention of his name. "Oh," he nodded. "Have you talked to Serena?"

"No," she shook her head, looking down. "I…I was going to leave."

Typical he thought. "Right…" He walked over to a table and grabbed his daughter's coat, then turned back around to her.

"So you have a daughter?" She bit her lip.

"Yes I do" A small smile spread across his face thinking about his daughter, Elizabeth, she had saved his life. He didn't know if he would ever be happy again until she came along.

"How old is she?"

"Almost five" He pressed his lips together.

"So… oh…" She realized they were still married when she was conceived.

He nodded not really knowing what to say. "So how are you and…" He cleared his throat, "William?"

"Good," she nodded. "He's in Paris still. I came here alone. So…did you two…did you remarry?"

"We did," he nodded. "We got married on Elizabeth's second birthday," he smiled at the memory.

"That's…that's nice," she tried to sound sincere. There were so many things she wanted to say to him but didn't know how to even start.

"Well I'm glad your happy Lily" He swallowed. "That's all I've ever wanted for you"

She nodded. "Right… happy…" She smiled slightly.

Something was off with her but he didn't have time to figure it out, Elizabeth needed her coat, it was cold outside. "Um… I have to give this…" He held up the coat "to Elizabeth, it's really cold outside"

"Oh…ok" She watched him walk back out of the church. She turned her back to the doors not wanting to watch everyone outside congratulating them and taking pictures. It was like she never existed to a family that she was once a vital part of.

She sat down in a chair, and started thinking about her life and how she screwed it up. "Fuck…" she said under her breath, just as Rufus walked back in. She looked up at him.

"Are you ok?"

"Um… well…" She was horrible at lying to him "No…"

He grabbed a chair and pulled it across from her and slowly sat down. "What's wrong?"

"What isn't wrong," she rolled her eyes.

"What are you talking about," he eyed her. "You said you were doing good."

"Well I lied," she folded her arms across her chest.

He wanted to say he saw this coming, but figured he should just keep his mouth shut. "I'm sorry…what happened?"

"We just aren't working… we are fighting all the time" She shook her head. "I realized how stupid I was for giving up everything for him" She looked down.

He bit his lip and nodded. "Maybe you can fix things with Serena and Eric… you never know"

"I think it's a little to late for that," she shook her head. "She didn't even invite me to her wedding."

"Maybe she didn't think you'd come," he sat back in his chair. "I'm surprised to see you here today."

"I wouldn't miss my daughters wedding. I'm not that cold," she frowned.

He sighed, "That's not what I meant."

"Are you happy?" she asked.

"In some ways I am…" He nodded. "I have Elizabeth to thank for that"

"That's… that's good"

"What?" she sounded upset by that.

"Nothing… it's nothing… I'm happy you're happy" She smiled at him.

He knew there was something wrong. "What's going on with you Lily? Why are you here?"

"I told you why," she looked down.

"The real reason."

"I was wrong okay," she looked at him, tears in her eyes. "I should never have left," she moved closer to him wrapping her arms around him. "I need you."

He sighed… it broke his heart that she was hurting. "Lil…"

"Just please don't say anything… not yet" She buried her face in his neck.

He wrapped his arms around her holding her close. He had missed her… more than he would like to admit… but he couldn't do this. He pulled back and looked at her.

"What?" she said.

"I'm sorry but I can't do this" He shook his head. "I wish I could but…"

"But what?" She looked him in the eyes.

"You made your choice and I… I moved on" He looked down. "I have a family that counts on me… and I'm not risking it again" He bit his lip. "Last time I didn't think I would recover… but then Elizabeth came along and things are just good right now." He sighed.

She looked down, tears coming to her eyes as Alison walked in the door.

"Rufus what is taking you so… oh" She saw Lily and froze.

He turned around and saw her; he got up and walked over to her "Just… just give me a minute ok?"

"Fine…" She looked down. He lifted her chin up and kissed her softly.

Lily looked down, she felt like she was going to throw up seeing them together. He turned around and sat back down as Alison left.

"What happened?" he asked, but feeling he already knew the answer.

"You were right," she looked down as the tears escaped her eyes. "You were right about everything. I was wrong and you were right."

"Lily…"

"It's not what I thought it was going to be." she looked at him. "Everything is a mess. I've made such a mess, Rufus. I need to come back I can't do it anymore. I tried to be without you and I can't. I can't do it," she reached for him.

He took her hand. "I'm sorry but I can't be that person for you anymore, I wish I could but I can't…" He looked down.

Her tears fell faster; she rested her head on his knees and squeezed his hand. He moved a hand through her long blond hair; she had let it grow out. He didn't know what to do, he still loved her but he didn't want to hurt Alison again. He couldn't do that to her. A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away quickly.

"I'm so sorry Rufus… I'm so sorry… I messed everything up," She cried harder.

"Lily," he looked at her. "Why did you come here? Did you really expect that I would take you back after what you did?"

"You told me that you would always be here. Always love me. I know I don't deserve it, but if you just gave me one more chance I know that we could make it work. We could. It's us Rufus. It's you and me."

He looked at her, pulling her into his arms. "Lily," he shook his head.

"Please Rufus," she nuzzled into his neck. "I know you still care about me. Still want me because I want it to. Leap with me again."

He sighed and closed his eyes. "I will always want you, love you, care about you… but I can't trust you… give up everything for you again" He bit his lip. "Do you know how much it killed me when you left?"

She looked up at him. "I… I know… and I'm so, so, so sorry"

He shook his head. "This today should have been us… these were moments I always dreamed about… but what I finally realized after what you did…"

She bit her lip, scared for the answer.

"That… that dream… will never be us…" A tear ran down his face. "It will only be just a dream, because I'm dreaming about a different person, a different Lily."

"That… that dream… will never be us…" A tear ran down his face. "It will only be just a dream, because I'm dreaming about a different person, a different Lily."

"But I'm right here Rufus," she held onto the sides of his face. "I'm right here standing in front of you. I've changed."

"Lily," he tried to look away.

"I've chanced Rufus," she told him again. "The old Lily would never be able to come back here and be so…so vulnerable in front of you."

"Lily it's too late," he shook his head.

"Stop staying that," she cried out in desperation. "I know you still feel it, and it will never be too late for us." She pulled him into a kiss. He tried not to but he couldn't control himself, he weaved his hands in her hair kissing her back hard.

"Rufus," Alison walked back to the church. "The limo is leaving."

He pulled back as she walked in. Alison saw them and closed her eyes; she turned around and walked out. Rufus got up and ran after her.

She quickly walked down the stairs of the church weaving through the throngs of people and picked up her daughter.

"Alison," Rufus rushed down the stairs. "Alison wait."

She opened the limo door strapping her daughter in the booster seat. Her hands shook as she pulled the buckle.

"Ouch mommy," Elizabeth wined. "Too tight, mommy!"

She looked down at her daughter and frowned. "I'm sorry sweetheart," she loosened it a bit.

"Mom are you okay?" Jenny looked at her from across the limo.

"Yes…yes I'm fine. Will you watch your sister?" she asked. Make sure she gets to the Palace. I'll be at the reception in a bit."

"Mom?"

"I'm fine," she closed the door. She watched as the limo drove off and stood at the side of the road.

"Alison," he touched her arm.

She turned around. "What Rufus!"

He closed his eyes knowing how much he hurt her. "I'm sorry… I'm so, so sorry… I didn't mean to do that"

"I'm not going through this again. I'm not," she walked back toward the church to where Lily was.

"Where are you going?" he followed her.

"You want him?" she looked at Lily?

Lily looked between Alison and Rufus, not knowing what to say.

Alison looked at her. "Answer me!"

"Al… stop it," He said quietly, he closed his eyes as he turned towards Lily.

Lily looked at him and bit her lip turning back to Alison as she stood up. "Yes… yes I do." She felt dumb but she couldn't give up, she loved him too much.

He opened his eyes and looked at Lily and then to Alison. This was not going to be good he thought.

"I'm not going to fight for your love or attention," she turned to Rufus. "It's too exhausting. And too heartbreaking. I'm not going to be made a fool of again in front of my family."

"Alison," he moved to touch her arm.

She grabbed her coat and her bible from the pew. "Take him," her eyes welled.

He stood there conflicted, but quickly made his mind up. He walked over to Lily and took her face in his hands, kissing her forehead. "I'm sorry… but I can't." Lily stood their speechless, tears running down her face as she walked out of the church.

He ran after Alison and turned her around, kissing her hard. "You don't get to give me away"

She smiled. "You picked me" She kissed him again, tears running down her face.

He kissed her again wiping away her tears. "It's over," he told her. "Lily and I are the past," he kissed her again. "You are me, Alison. We're now. We're the future."

"Are…are you sure Rufus? I…you…you kissed her," she looked down.

"She kissed me…and…I," Tears came to his own eyes. "I'll never forgive myself for that."

"I love you, Rufus," she looked at him. "Is that enough?"

"If you love me as much as I love you, I think it's more than enough."


End file.
